Last of the summer shine :)

Brrrrr is it getting cold or is it just me.

We all went to the town meal today  in Middlesbrough, it was really good and had lots of entertainment on for adults and children alike.
Ranging from bouncy castles, punch n judy, magic shows, go karts through to creating art using a bicycle and paints! It wasn't too busy and the lads loved it. People were walking round on stilts and juggling.

The only thing we didn't do was ride on the old buses to the Transporter Bridge. The queues were really long so we just left it and watched the magic show instead.
Came back with "big dig" recyclable bags filled with some sachets of tea, coffee, sugar (all fairtrade) and 3 boxes of seeds to plants. 

As part of the big meal, lots of free food was given out, all freshly made there and then. From cold salad through to hot curries, pakoras and mousaka. Plenty of bottles of water given out, as well as tons of information regarding water and energy saving.

In the middle arena, there were bands playing lots of different types of music. It was lovely, we just sat  in the deck chairs watching.

We missed out on the honey but no matter. The jars literally sold out within 30 minutes it was that popular.
Met a few people there who i haven't seen for years. One of them asked if i wanted to come and volunteer on the allotment with Teesside Hospice. 

Last year i donated veg,herbs and salad items that we had grown in pots. This year sadly we didn't as i have time to grow anything.  The whole food festival basically runs on people donating they own produce and then it all gets cooked up on the day and given away for free to all attendees.

After that we did the dreaded school uniform shopping, took ages to do as my eldest has shot up. after a couple of hours we ended up getting a taxi home, naughty i know. But guess what its the same price for a taxi home as it on the bus! How ridiculous is that public transport costs more than a taxi, is absolutely extortionate.

Well better plan for the month ahead and make sure we have everything ready for school.

Till tomorrow  :)

black dog approaching!

A day of anxieties and stress

After a really successful day yesterday, i felt good but anxious.
Today i'm the opposite, i'm so stressed out its unreal. I know why it is, its because i'm going in the evening.
I don't do evening wanderings .

But after the stress of last week when a person verbally abused my children and me i've become even more anxious. I'm scared in case i see her, but really i shouldn't be. I have done nothing wrong, well thats what everyone is saying.

I suffer from depression and moods go up and down, my GP is currently deciding whether to put through for assessment of manic depression as i am clinically depressed. I also recently started counselling.

So when you have a off day, this is what i do.

I ignore the world snuggling on the sofa with my boys
Ignore my phone
Lock the doors

Then best of all put on a film and lose yourself.

Sometimes its the best medicine in the world to just run away and relax

kez xx

pic from http://things-we-heart.blogspot.co.uk/2010/01/random-hearts-we-heart-rainy-daywhy-its.html

Afternoon Tea :)

Well we had a lovely day today, just chilling with a friend and two children.
They all played games and loved snacking on the little tid bits.

So we had a kind of afternoon tea with sandwiches, mini sausages, cakes and biscuits.
Yesterday i starting making the them the sweet and savoury.
Never tried these recipes before so today we tried them


No-Bake Chocolate Oat Bars

76g of butter
100g dark brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla flavouring
255g oats
100g of milk chocolate
2 large tablespoons of peanut butter

Melt butter and add in the brown sugar and vanilla
Then add in the oats

Cook ion low heat for about 3 minutes till blended. Take off

Heat and press 1/2 of the mixture into a bottom of a baking tray.

 Melt chocolate and peanut butter. then spread the mixture over the oat mixture .

Then add the rest of the oat mixture on top.

Then play the cake tin ino the fridge for a couple of hours or over night.

Once solidified take out of the tin and chop into pieces if you wish.

Trying also making jam bar but they sadly didn't work but, instead they were squishy. They tasted  as good as a crumble.

192 g self raising flour

120 oats

220g brown sugar

396g grams of butter

1 jar of jam.

Mix all the ingredients in except the jam.

 the jam.

Once blended together. Place oat mixture  on a tray. Then add the jam and the remaining oat mixture on top. 

Bake on oven on gas mark 4 till golden brown. Then take out and leave to cool completely.

As the recipe didn't quite work out i would serve it hot with custard.

Or just eat it cold as is.

Its really nice though :)

Pantry / Store Cupboard

Today i received an email from a concerned reader who was afraid of my financial circumstances with two children.But also from another reader who asked what kind of things do i have in my store cupboard.
So i thought to make it easier i would just post pictures up.

                                                               Top of the pantry

Middle and bottom

The floor of the pantry

As you can see i have tons of spices, tins, pasta, dried noodles, flour, bag full of potatoes.
So don't worry my children will have protein, vitamin, iron filled tummies.

My basic essentials i try to always have in are:

Non-Fresh
Baked beans
Tinned tomatoes
Chick peas
Tuna
Tinned Fruit
Kidney Beans
Dried Noodles
Pepper 
Salt
Chilli Powder
Pasta
Oats
Lentils
Rice 
Bread Flour
Plain Flour
Self Raising Flour
Yeast
Jam
Sugar
Stock cubes
Diluted Juice
Tea Bags
Coffee
Vegetable Oil

Fresh
Carrots
Onions
Milk
Garlic
Cheese
Eggs
Butter

Pets
Cat food dry and tinned
Cat Litter


I find if i have these basics in, i can make anything from soups to curries, from flapjacks,porridge to pancakes.

Its hard to start off a store cupboard of any kind, its expensive to buy everything in one go.
So instead i buy say an extra item every week.
For instance today i saw 4 tins of chopped tomatoes for £1 so splashed the extra £1 and bought them. Now i already had four tins in the cupboard but thought its good deal, works out 25p a tin instead of 37p.
Its little things like that really help you out in the long run.

I must admit most of the non-perishable items we eat are the supermarket basics.there is nothing wrong with this as generally the food has less in than brand names.


Hope that gives you some ideas :)

Carrot Cookies

After being told how nice carrot cookies were i decided to try and make some.

Carrot Cookies

1 tablespoon margarine or butter

2 tablespoons of granulated sugar

4 drops of almond (or vanilla)

4 tablespoons of raw grated carrot

6 tablespoons of self raising flour

Mix sugar and butter together

add flavouring and carrots mix together

then add the the flour and mix.

Split mixture into about 12 balls and flatten with your had onto a baking tray.

Cook say on gas mark 4 till golden brown. Or say 15-20 minutes

Have to say these were really nice and the lads have scoffed the lot!

They sweet but don't overly taste of carrot in the slightest.

These will be perfect for out picnic tomorrow! 

This recipe is from World War Two, so it seems to be very economical and healthy.

Its very quick to mix and cook, so will definitely be making them again.

A Piece of Heaven in a Sea of Grey: Summer gardening :)

A Piece of Heaven in a Sea of Grey: Summer gardening :): Well i'd thought a few pics of the garden so far. This is the sunniest spot in the garden so i went to Morrisons and saw these two pla...

Summer gardening :)

Well i'd thought a few pics of the garden so far.

This is the sunniest spot in the garden so i went to Morrisons and saw these two plants for £3 in the reduced section.

A grapevine and  a fig tree. So i had to have to them. Along with two large pots for £10 out of Discountuk fingers crossed next year we might able to harvest some grapes!

Grape vine (left) fig tree (right)

Turnips, Leeks and a fat tom cat!

tomatoes , four cabbages that decided to walk from they supposed patch where the leeks are now to where the tomato plants are.

Rhubarb and mint :)

This used to be broken paving stones so i ripped it up and sown some grass seed. Within two months this is what it looks like so pleased :)

The garden is and children's little project and has kept us thoroughly occupied since we've moved.

Black dog returning :(

This is my first post in a long while, when we moved house i couldn't get on the internet or anything, so frustrating.

So far our six weeks holiday have been fantastic, lots of time chilling. My boys loved going to the beach, scrambling round rocks. Meeting up with friends, just been fantastic, then yesterday it all went to pot. We had such an awful day.

Went to my friends (L) house, we decided not to go to the park and it was freezing, autumn is here brrrr 

It was meant o be a catch up, no stress just having a picnic, kids mucking about while we all chatted.

While we there another friend turned up, (D)now for a few months shes been really funny with me. I have no idea why, i've asked, my other friend has asked and still none the wiser. At one point i thought i was being extremely paranoid and blamed myself for everything as i supposed i had done something wrong to her. Its part of my anxiety i automatically assume that i've done something wrong.

Well we were all getting along fine, we did an indoor picnic, i was helping L with the food, things like filling up plates and bowls with extra crisps. Getting drinks, while D was with the kids making sure they were all right.
Then i heard a shout from ds1 saying "kez, please can i have a drink". I said "yes sure, be one minute". Then suddenly D starts shouting at my kids saying that's wrong, its not right. You call her mam and having a go at him and ds2. I walked back into the dining to see what was happening and they she is physically leaning over him shouting into ds2's face and shouting at him. He almost falling off the chair and i said D leave him alone. What are you doing, if he want to call me "kez or mam, its up to them".

She started screaming at me, at this point, i said right were going home, kids get your shoes on. D comes running at me as were walking away and L comes in between us. Luckily she did as she started screaming at me saying you've been wanting to fall out with me ages and raises her fist. Luckily L comes to me my aid and stops D and says you need to calm down, kez has done nothing wrong. Just leave the room, go see the budgies. I still haven't raised my fists, L said to me there is no way i would have let her hit you, as L thought she was going to attack me. I just thought her fists were in frustration not actual attack mode.

By this stage i am completely in tears and having a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, i was scared angry, humiliated. Luckily L understood what was happening and came and sat down with me, she told me to go and to just and calm for a bit. So i did, took me over an hour to calm. All seven children came over to me and demanded hugs and saying please don't go, we want you to stay. The little fella, D's son demanded to sit my knee for a cuddle and wouldn't let me go.

In the end i calmed down and sat with L, D was in the other side of the table. D kept saying to me why aren't you drinking, i said oh i am. I wasn't, it was non alcoholic ginger beer, before that i was drinking juice and coffee. I just was so uncomfortable i lied, to stop any more arguments.When we were on our man, all of 1 minute, D asked me why i was so emotional. So i told her straight she should ashamed of herself, she knows all about my panic attacks etc I was so angry and i didn't shout i spoke quietly saying saying she scared all the children, called her paranoid and you need to sort yourself out. She started again and said no, I'm not doing this in front of any children. you want to do this we'll talk about it another time.

The worst thing is i scared the children, they saw me breakdown and its something i never do. Even worse is that it was in L's house. All 7 of the children have certain needs, 3 of them are 13yrs, 3 are 9yrs and one 5yr old. Five of them have high functioning autism, all five are anxious and at least three have adhd. The five asd one don't do touching at all and 3 can't cope with shouting, loud noises etc. So for me to act the way i did, crying is abhorrent to me.

While i was crying, whenever the children came near me i told them jokes so they were laughing. All seven of them wouldn't leave me alone and insisted on following me everywhere, the poor things. even when i came out of the toilet and they were all they waiting for me. L's daughter never does touching and when i came out of the toilet dragged into her room and demanded the biggest hug off me imaginable, poor thing was in tears. She demanded me to stay and i wasn't allowed to go home, her and ds1 are good friends. when i told her mum she was shocked about the hug and said to me i'm the only person she hugs other than her parents. she obviously trusts you.

L phoned me after i came home to make we were all right, she then validated a few points with me and said you didn't do anything wrong, as outsiders we've seen what D is like now with you. she kept saying that i didn't shout, when i said i did, she went your level was like a mouse compared to when we shout. even my OH didn't hear you and the door was open. The kids were shocked because your voice was louder than it normally is, because your quietly spoken.
She even said do you realise the kids never went to D after it all happened. They refused to look at her and demanded to just be near you, not even her own kids would speak to her. Its shows that the the 7 children trust you and that you are a rock to them. None of them asked if she was ok, instead her 5 year old demanded to sit on your knee. Children with asd don't do that, especially my 13 yr old.

So i'm stuck again now, my confidence has been shaken even more, i spent last night crying. My whole body is in agony, OH is quietly fuming. He knows i would have gone over the edge, so he just sat and listened.

Were having an in day up to now, both lads and myself are in shock from yesterday. Both of them scared and have asked for just a quiet day. I told them the plans for next week and said do you want to cancel them. Both of them said no, we still want to go to the beach, but the deal is we don't see D. Now they just want us to stay with LA they friends on the beach as they think they nice people. LA phoned me about the trip and told her what happened at L's. She was furious and told her the boys want to go but i'm unsure. LA said nothing will happen i will make sure of that. She was angry because she even said your not an aggressive person, your to kind hearted and said the kids obviously felt safe with you and thats all 7 demanded your attention. They wanted to make you feel safe like you do to them.

So i'm all over the place the today. Sorry for the essay i just didn't know what to do.
I am just so glad i come on here and have people who let me vent and rant. I also find writing things down helps me clear my mind and put my thoughts in order.