Black dog returning :(

This is my first post in a long while, when we moved house i couldn't get on the internet or anything, so frustrating.

So far our six weeks holiday have been fantastic, lots of time chilling. My boys loved going to the beach, scrambling round rocks. Meeting up with friends, just been fantastic, then yesterday it all went to pot. We had such an awful day.

Went to my friends (L) house, we decided not to go to the park and it was freezing, autumn is here brrrr 

It was meant o be a catch up, no stress just having a picnic, kids mucking about while we all chatted.

While we there another friend turned up, (D)now for a few months shes been really funny with me. I have no idea why, i've asked, my other friend has asked and still none the wiser. At one point i thought i was being extremely paranoid and blamed myself for everything as i supposed i had done something wrong to her. Its part of my anxiety i automatically assume that i've done something wrong.

Well we were all getting along fine, we did an indoor picnic, i was helping L with the food, things like filling up plates and bowls with extra crisps. Getting drinks, while D was with the kids making sure they were all right.
Then i heard a shout from ds1 saying "kez, please can i have a drink". I said "yes sure, be one minute". Then suddenly D starts shouting at my kids saying that's wrong, its not right. You call her mam and having a go at him and ds2. I walked back into the dining to see what was happening and they she is physically leaning over him shouting into ds2's face and shouting at him. He almost falling off the chair and i said D leave him alone. What are you doing, if he want to call me "kez or mam, its up to them".

She started screaming at me, at this point, i said right were going home, kids get your shoes on. D comes running at me as were walking away and L comes in between us. Luckily she did as she started screaming at me saying you've been wanting to fall out with me ages and raises her fist. Luckily L comes to me my aid and stops D and says you need to calm down, kez has done nothing wrong. Just leave the room, go see the budgies. I still haven't raised my fists, L said to me there is no way i would have let her hit you, as L thought she was going to attack me. I just thought her fists were in frustration not actual attack mode.

By this stage i am completely in tears and having a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, i was scared angry, humiliated. Luckily L understood what was happening and came and sat down with me, she told me to go and to just and calm for a bit. So i did, took me over an hour to calm. All seven children came over to me and demanded hugs and saying please don't go, we want you to stay. The little fella, D's son demanded to sit my knee for a cuddle and wouldn't let me go.

In the end i calmed down and sat with L, D was in the other side of the table. D kept saying to me why aren't you drinking, i said oh i am. I wasn't, it was non alcoholic ginger beer, before that i was drinking juice and coffee. I just was so uncomfortable i lied, to stop any more arguments.When we were on our man, all of 1 minute, D asked me why i was so emotional. So i told her straight she should ashamed of herself, she knows all about my panic attacks etc I was so angry and i didn't shout i spoke quietly saying saying she scared all the children, called her paranoid and you need to sort yourself out. She started again and said no, I'm not doing this in front of any children. you want to do this we'll talk about it another time.

The worst thing is i scared the children, they saw me breakdown and its something i never do. Even worse is that it was in L's house. All 7 of the children have certain needs, 3 of them are 13yrs, 3 are 9yrs and one 5yr old. Five of them have high functioning autism, all five are anxious and at least three have adhd. The five asd one don't do touching at all and 3 can't cope with shouting, loud noises etc. So for me to act the way i did, crying is abhorrent to me.

While i was crying, whenever the children came near me i told them jokes so they were laughing. All seven of them wouldn't leave me alone and insisted on following me everywhere, the poor things. even when i came out of the toilet and they were all they waiting for me. L's daughter never does touching and when i came out of the toilet dragged into her room and demanded the biggest hug off me imaginable, poor thing was in tears. She demanded me to stay and i wasn't allowed to go home, her and ds1 are good friends. when i told her mum she was shocked about the hug and said to me i'm the only person she hugs other than her parents. she obviously trusts you.

L phoned me after i came home to make we were all right, she then validated a few points with me and said you didn't do anything wrong, as outsiders we've seen what D is like now with you. she kept saying that i didn't shout, when i said i did, she went your level was like a mouse compared to when we shout. even my OH didn't hear you and the door was open. The kids were shocked because your voice was louder than it normally is, because your quietly spoken.
She even said do you realise the kids never went to D after it all happened. They refused to look at her and demanded to just be near you, not even her own kids would speak to her. Its shows that the the 7 children trust you and that you are a rock to them. None of them asked if she was ok, instead her 5 year old demanded to sit on your knee. Children with asd don't do that, especially my 13 yr old.

So i'm stuck again now, my confidence has been shaken even more, i spent last night crying. My whole body is in agony, OH is quietly fuming. He knows i would have gone over the edge, so he just sat and listened.

Were having an in day up to now, both lads and myself are in shock from yesterday. Both of them scared and have asked for just a quiet day. I told them the plans for next week and said do you want to cancel them. Both of them said no, we still want to go to the beach, but the deal is we don't see D. Now they just want us to stay with LA they friends on the beach as they think they nice people. LA phoned me about the trip and told her what happened at L's. She was furious and told her the boys want to go but i'm unsure. LA said nothing will happen i will make sure of that. She was angry because she even said your not an aggressive person, your to kind hearted and said the kids obviously felt safe with you and thats all 7 demanded your attention. They wanted to make you feel safe like you do to them.

So i'm all over the place the today. Sorry for the essay i just didn't know what to do.
I am just so glad i come on here and have people who let me vent and rant. I also find writing things down helps me clear my mind and put my thoughts in order.